The Secret Origins of Bra-Man.

A few years ago, and the end of my teens, I was dating a friend of mines sister. Normally a precarious situation, this had worked out quite well, as we all hung out together regularly. One night in particular, we three were sitting in said friends bedroom, quietly sharing a bottle of gold tequila, with more than half the bottle gone, we were all pretty wasted, and talking utter nonsense as a…(what is a good collective noun for a bunch of drunk teenagers?) …as a Minor Felony of drunk teenagers usually do. I was sitting cross-legged on my friends bed, my girlfriends head in my lap, he was sitting on the floor facing us.

Now the specifics of the evening or how it started are lost to me through a haze of drunken memory. I think I started to tickle my girlfriend, and she responded in kind. This escalated till she, with a wicked grin, hooked her fingers in my baggy denims and pulled, intending to pull pants down and humble me in front of her brother. Her plan worked better than she thought it would, because she had also managed to hook my underwear, and took those as well.

So there I was, completely exposed I panicked and grabbed the first thing I could find, which was a pillow , and covered my naked crotch with it. while my girlfriend doubled over in laughter, my friend, still very drunk, and apparently somewhat emotional, looked at me with these huge sad eyes and said in a voice you expect to hear bambi use when he’s trying to wake his mother up: “Dude…your cock is on my pillow.”

Such sadness was in those words, such heartfelt sorrow that he may have to rest his head where my genitals had lain. I could not stand it, I looked around for a suitable replacement, and saw a small, tartan blanket resting atop the windowsill. with a flourish I grabbed it and wrapped it around my waste creating a hybrid between a kilt and a very small miniskirt. I replaced the pillow and looked at him triumphantly, he did not look appeased. With tears in his voice he whispered “That’s my baby blanket.”

My girlfriend handed me a sarong, she had intended me to replace the MiniKilt™ with it, I however didn’t cotton on to this, instead I tied it round my neck forming a cape and attacked her again, determined to pay her back for removing my pants. Now again drunken memory fails me, as somehow, I managed to get her bra off without actually getting her shirt off. This is has always puzzled me because I could never get the damned thing off her even if it was the only thing she was wearing. apparently on a roll, I tied the bra around my head, each cup covering an eye and cheek. catching sight of myself in the mirror in my MiniKilt™, my cape and mask, I lept onto the bed struck a heroic pose and declared loudly “Behold I am Bra-man!” just in time for my girlfriends mother to walk in and see me.

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, then she looked at her children and said “suppers ready” and looked back at me just in time to see the MiniKilt™ Dislodge itself and flutter to the ground, leaving me naked from the waste down, with a cape and a bra tied round my head…still standing in that ridiculous pose…

A few days later, still mortified in the presence of the mother, I was watching tv at their house, when nature called. I dislodged myself from the girlfriend, and padded through to their bathroom.

Earlier that day I had gone shopping at the flea market and bought a small silver skeleton on a chain to wear round my neck, during the course of the evening the chain had broken and the little skeleton had disappeared. As I un-zipped my fly, the skeleton, who had fallen into the fold of my zipper, flopped out into my hand. I was delighted, as I had given up all hope of finding it.

“There you are you little shit!” I declared loudly, and looked up, just in time to catch the reflection of the mother who had been walking past the bathroom, looking at me. all she could see was me with back turned, my hand at crotch level, apparently talking to my penis…

To the poor woman’s credit, she always gave me the benefit of the doubt, and treated me like gold. But she must have thought I was completely insane.

~ by Sheppard on March 21, 2007.